sometimes my silence and random smiles are actually cry for help..

but who can help without them sniggering at you..?

I have been under the weather the past few days.
5 Days of being home was god sent!
I have to admit the past few weeks hasn't been good with the lioness, I had been coming back late and of course which mother would be pleased to see her daughter who cannot stay put at home for long. So mama had been very grumpy with me.

Hence, being sick was a blessing in disguise. We catch up with each other the past few days, especially since the sister is away in OBS (come to think of it she is the one who is mostly away from home then when I was at her age.) and yesterday I spent my day with her going to JB. Dropped by Larkin to make her happy and then off we went to City Square and I treat her to lunch at House of Sundanese, heh I was quite romantic. Unfortunately, the hefty amount paid did not do justice to the food we ate. It was not good and the service was horrible.

Luckily, it was all forgotten when I was on retail spree. My god, I love shopping my stuff in JB. F.O.S and Padini are my mecca for wardrobe updates, affordable and stylish. With everything up to 70% sale, I almost went berserk. I tried badly to curb since there is quite a number of friends who are celebrating their birthdays this month and early next month, birthdays aside from the last couple of weeks and more weeks to come wedding and engagement invitations have been lining up, followed by of course my monthly responsibilities of utilities bills and whatnots, and finally for the arrival of my most expensive purchase next month. Ouh not forgetting this weekend too!

But mama was so jolly telling me 'come on, spend. Don't stop yourself, everything is at a good price!'. In the end, I went back with 2 new shades (which I have a reason to need because my dear sister had been messing around with my other shades and spoiled them), 2 tank tops which have super cool design and errm ok a modest of just 4 nice bottoms. Plus a birthday gift for a friend at work! Hey, for the amount spent I saved quite a lot if the items were sold on usual price!

And today, further damage was done but I shall not complain so much about this. I got myself a good book at Borders. Yay! Something I have been pushing myself to get, since reading is now an abandoned pastime. It's about time I do something about it and re-ignite back my passion for reading :). I also got myself a magazine and some biscuits for mama at marks&spencer.

I think there are a couple of more things to be purchase to anticipate this weekend. I hope I have time to scram around and get it.

Can't wait! Need it to reboot!

2 more days ladies! just 2 more days!

+++++++++++

Baidah have me addicted to this song. Thanks la babe!

I like the music video too :). Enjoy!

Realize By Colbie Caillat





'We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, but

It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other'

I am taking a step back to look at the bigger picture of the painting (in this case I'm trying to refer to my life). Jolted by thoughts about how reverse actually things can seem to be if you look harder and analyze.

Sorry to say, most of the time I refuse to see the good side of things. Maybe a part of me which have been very guarded all these while makes it difficult. This is my flaw but it has always been my sheath, preventing bane from occurring more often then not.

But just as every individual have their own interpretation of the painting, my judgment could be wrong. So now I have two. One positive and another negative. To balance things up as they say. Consequences may arise, either good or bad. Bordering on after what was said last night I guess I should give it the benefit of the doubt.

Because as much as I am strong headed and very skeptical about the things I view, one thing for sure I never stop short of myself from giving it a second chance. If I am right, I can be so darn smug about it but if I am wrong I believe I deserve myself a pat on the back because I am willing to see my perception proved to be false.

My personal thanks for that particular knock in the head (with countless of 360degrees eyes rolling which only she is capable of doing) followed by that very much needed hug in the end. And also thank you to other one who was kind in words and never stringent in giving me words of comfort very early in the morning. To you who I met yesterday, thank you for expressing your concern and love the other day but I truly appreciate of the talk we had over onion rings and fries. You gave me your point of view and I am enlightened. Thank you also for the night out last 2 weeks, that heart to heart cavana dinner, followed by another session of caffeine rush over silly mind games. Thank you all. Because I am loved.

+++++++++++

To the man who is having the time of his life in Bali, just in case you cannot help yourself and sneak for a peek here, I have nothing ugly to say really. Looking forward to see the photos you promised to share with me when you come back.

Ouh and in case you forget, please don't leave Bali without sending my regards and love. I will to be there when time permits to witness the beauty of the land myself.

Today I call it A day of Inspiration!

Ok probably nothing inspiring to know I have been 'conned' in a way, but thank god by meeting 2 nice guys today I have a clearer picture of what is going on and as anxious as everyone these days with planning their life ahead, I too have jumped in the wagon and decide that this will be fruitful in years to come.

And and!! What is it about movies with hip hop moves, sleek choreograph and heart thumping music which makes you feel like dancing in your seat or in fact wished that you can groove exactly like that? Yes, not totally hardcore but Step Up 2 is the shit! The dance moves you know, once in awhile it is nice to watch something entertaining. But of course reality check, I cant shake my bon bon for nuts, however I would love to do a dance themed drama, Singapura style baby ;) Imagine how cool will that be? Have you ever give it a thought and explore? I have seen kids here who were just as passionate about hip hop dance and it would be a nice experience to use beats produced from our local scene don't you think? I absolutely love the tracking shots during all the dance sequence! Erm, yes it will be totally hopeless for me to observe all their impressive moves so instead I observed something else which is second nature to me.

Anyways, Rajan got himself a drill driver! And I had the influencing power to make him decide which to purchase. I mean why Bosch and not Black & Decker. So glad he decided to buy the later, the orange was much more attractive then the Blue & Green from Bosch. I was also browsing through car mats, why is it so blah and dull? I wish there is a nice purple available.

Finally, the most inspiring moment had to be when Farah and me shared a few online shopping sites. I have made up my mind I will be updating my wardrobe online come April. Efficient isn't it?

See we ladies thought of ways to minimize the suffering of our boyfriends. Less shopping sessions for you to endure. Sweetness isn't it? Fine, a momentary silly thought for us to feel less guilty for spending. But seriously, I can't wait to make the purchase! Everything look so nice, I kept bugging Farah, how how?? If I pretend to ignore my conscious I will be spending like no tomorrow. Sigh...

Alright ladies! Let's countdown to 2 more weeks ok?

I still need to hunt down something girly and flirty. Yes it is a need. So do not question a woman's idiosyncrasy, hear me?

_________________

And since I am so inspired by Step Up 2, it is only natural that there are a few tracks from the movie I just love! It's dope y'all!

I feel you Cassie!

I'm looking for a lover not a friend
Somebody who can be there when I need someone to talk to
I'm looking for someone who won't pretend
Somebody not afraid to say the way they feel about you

And I'm looking for someone who understands how I feel,
Someone who can keep me real and who knows (the way)
The way I like to have it my way
And I'm looking for someone who takes me there,
Wants to share, shows he cares
Thinking you're the one that I've been waiting for

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me? (Could you be?)
Could you be the one I need?

I'm looking for someone to share my pain (Uh)
Someone who I can run to, who would stay with me when it rains
Someone who I can cry with through the night
Someone who I can trust whose heart is right
And I'm looking for someone

And I'm looking for someone who understands how I feel,
Someone who can keep me real and who knows (the way)
The way I like to have it my way
And I'm looking for someone who takes me there,
Wants to share, shows he cares
Thinking on the one that I've been waiting for

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be this one I need?

Someone who won't take me for granted
How much I care (How much I care)
And appreciates that I'm there
Someone who listens
And someone I can call who isn't afraid of love to share

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

~Cassie~

But still he doesn't get it WHY..

The Leap Years was inexplicably beautiful in it's own unique way..
I could describe in so many ways but you have to watch it to understand.

The movie is highly recommended. Not only for lost souls and forlorn lovers but for anyone who believes in it.
Be less judgmental. I think all of us have been hard on ourselves.

Now if only we could pop by next door the neighbour's office Raintree, and request if the soundtrack is available somehow or somewhere. Because I very much like the songs in the movie.

Sigh.. I had watch 2 sappy movies in a week, PS I LOVE YOU and THE LEAP YEARS, it is beginning to take a toll on myself especially when the vulnerability is kicking in. Watching them makes me feel impatient to fall in love all over again.

To fall in love with the right person who makes the amount of substantially long time waiting for him all worth it. I can't wait to know him. Well this is besides the point I'm trying to say here but let's not prolong this. I can't stand being lovesick, it is too sickening too bear especially when it's undefined and unhealthy.

Time for hardcore movies/films to kick in. Yes I badly need to be hardcore A.S.A.P in the most sane possible ways.

++++++++++++++++++
And a little bit of visual to ease up the stale page, overdue photos from Sinaran Hati



++++++++++++++++++


If Im not in love with you
What is this Im going through
Tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you, baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If Im not in love with you

And if I dont need your touch
Why do I miss you so much
Tonight
If its just infatuation then
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought Id never
Give again to someone I could lose
If Im not in love with you

Why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Lovers lost in sweet desire
Why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
Someone help explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If Im not in love with you
What is this Im going through
Tonight
And if my heart is lying then what should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If Im not in love with you

~Faith Hill~

I am not blunt, mean or cruel just so I could spite you.
I didn't shut you out months before not because I was selfish.
I had hope very much you would asked why but it didn't seem important to you to know.

As much as you deny the truth, I saw the look in your eyes when you talk about her..
And then it dawned on me things will never change.
What does it take to get you to talk fondly like that about me?

You know, you might seemed glad to have met me once more but how I wish I could feel the same way.
You will never see beyond this shield, this disappointment.

I was moving on along fine and just like that I have crumble down again.

I will never be able to tell you all this affront because I know for sure how you will reciprocate.

Told you before I couldn't be a friend to you anymore and that notion still stands, my friend.

I am sorry..

Daily Single's Love (Cancer)
March 10, 2008

The pieces aren't adding up, and you're beginning to get suspicious.
Before you react emotionally, give the other person a chance to speak.
The truth might be far less juicy than the story you've imagined.

This was extracted out from my LoveScope Application in Friendster. I didn't realised I had actually added this to my profile.

Anyways the prediction is a bit spooky, somehow this may apply to a current situation. Funny how we are talking again to each other, and the last 2 lines above was what he said of me. I have not heard his full explaination yet albeit he promised he will soon. It's not anything because we never had anything in the first place. A very complicated matter I must say. I cannot define it myself.

Bottomline is, sometimes I decide with my heart instead with my head. And it would usually proved that my gut feeling was right. Then again I could be wrong this time? All I hate was not being told the whole truth and being lied at. Evading what happened does not make two wrongs right. I bet this sounds familiar to him.

Ok he might be reading this but whatever.. The irony of horoscopes I tell you. That's all, nothing else. I forget about this when I wake up later. Haha, Monday blues is a bigger matter then this alright bluerghh!

We had an unexpected Love Bleeds (the title of our indie short film produced together) reunion the other time at Amara, Blue Mist Bar.

It was my first meeting with the guys for this year after they came back from Brazil. Kiko and Shashi was also there. As usual I was the last one to arrive, heh. What a joy to see familiar faces who make you smile without even speaking a word! They greeted me boisterously, haha very homely indeed. Just like the old times. Amara used to be our usual hang out before we were driven by career.

Did lots of catching up with Rajan and Durai sharing stories about their trip. The ultimate endearing news was Durai now is in a relationship to a Brazilian lady, hence the reason for the trip in the first place WHICH they failed to let me know in the first place. I could not stop gushing how happy I was for him! Eventhough I am the baby of the group being the youngest. At times, I am the mother to these boys. Durai even said, he wish his mother was more excited as I was.

Besides that, the boys as usual had taken advantage how naive I can be when they brilliantly cooked up a story that Shashi got married last december and had converted into a Muslim (it all started from this because I got annoyed I wasn't invited ,their alibi was Rajan failed to inform since they were away), changed his name to Ahmed and he got a car for his wedding gift from his wealthy daddy in law who was a money changer. Shashi surprisingly was good at playing along as well! See how easy for me to trust people?! I was so pissed when they revealed that it was a joke but of course they were laughing up their asses. The joke actually survived the entire time before we were heading back. I have to admit, there were geniuses.

Ended the night with Shashi driving us in circles at CBD area supposedly looking for that petrol kiosk Durai insisted existed only in his deluded mind. By then, the 3 of us were adamant not to send him back to Spottiswoode, a stone's away from CBD area and to drive all the way back to woodlands where we live. It couldn't be that he was drunk after 2 mugs. Must be the jitters he was feeling since his girlfriend is arriving in Singapore the next day.

Speaking of which, I can't help overhearing Shashi's conversation with his REAL other half while he was driving me and Rajan back home. The teacher told his partner who is also a teacher in a different school;

'Let's do breakfast tomorrow, i'll pick you up'

This simple statement shook me real hard. Not in a horny way you fools, heh.

I think it says as much, when you love someone you go as far as the other end of the world just to see her or in this case being madly in love and to meet someone so early in the morning will get you by for the rest of the day. It's mere gesture any tom dick or harry could think of but I guess the sincerity in his voice was what made me go soft in the heart.

Most of the time I maybe in denial or icky when men I have sort of dated tried to be mushy. I will immediately scoffed back at him to stop being corny. It's a contradicting personality for someone who loves anything romantic. But truly, I guess I am still looking for someone who is being mushy because he is really crazy about me not because he thinks it had been done before and worked like a charm to other 15 girls he had dated to impress.

But you tell me if i am asking too much how come I am so moved by the simple words conveyed by a friend to his girlfriend as such?

It's not all about big fireworks, flowers, luxury dinners and 10 carat diamonds and all that shenanigans to impress me.

'Let's do breakfast tomorrow, i'll pick you up'

It's things like this will suffice and proves how much you value a person. If you analyze the line deeper. It was not a question but more an act of love in the statement.

Haha ok I am not trying to speak cynically like Meredith Grey or neither am I trying to be Carrie Bradshaw.

Man has to realise the wrong perceptions that they have towards their ladies. Perhaps the next time you complain to your buddy how irritating your girlfriend was when she makes a big deal that you didn't get her anything for Valentine's day and your principle is Everyday is a Valentine's day (i so think this line is over rated as well), think again there could be 2 conclusions. One your girlfriend is a whiny bimbo or two you haven't been an attentive partner all the while thus clinging on to the concept of Valentine's day to expect you to be appreciative of her. We do not need gifts,although we don't complain and are more then happy to receive but a simple act of sweetness to remind her how important she is in your life will make 14th Feb like any other day in the calendar.

And I don't know how the supposedly meeting with my friends could turn into an overdue Valentine's day entry. Seriously, don't ask me why. Heh I just feel like ranting away.


On the other hand, I have more to look forward starting by the end of this month. The best friend's birthday is in April, oh goody! Baidah and myself are so excited just by planning it. If only we could decide what to get her?

And then a surprise of my own awaits me, I know it's in April but as to which date I am not certain. Suspense building up rapidly. Adjustments has to be made. For it's arrival will change my life forever!

What is it?

It shall be my little secret for now ;) With the exception of the few close ones who knows.

Shhhh...

In the period that I have been working with the company I am in, I had never been seated in the audience gallery for our live shows. Well, most of the time we are the ones who produced the specials or major live tv shows.

But tomorrow, this will be a change. Since Pesta Pesta Pesta is produced by Najib's company Dua M, our company has been invited to watch the show. A different perspective I must say, and I guess once in awhile it is nice to be seated and watch other people run the show.

The thing is, the theme is Sports Glam. I have been cracking my already numbing brain to define the theme the best I can. I didn't think I would be going to watch until the mdm at work insisted we must go. Thus, the past few days had been me assisting a friend who is being nominated in one of the categories to shop for her clothes.

As we were going through the stores after work today to get the complete look for her outfit, I was also looking out for mine. So far nothing has looked appealing or much less scream out to me 'I am the one!!'.

This sucks, although I would usually dress up formally during our shows I never tried hard enough to look glamorous. Didn't think it was necessary since I will be either running around back stage or at the panel upstairs. Thus, wearing the most glittering dress will be such a waste. So you see why this is pretty much a dilemma? Not only for me actually, the rest of us are still pondering over what would be apt to wear at the very last minute especially when we barely have ample time to go out and prepare.

I came back earlier and stared at my wardrobe collection, which is sombre looking by the way. Sadness. Frustration. It's crazy. I did not purchase anything at all except for a sweat shirt that was eye catching. It was a men's sweatshirt. Yes I have a knack for liking men's sweatshirts. I just had to get it, it does not look too glam for tomorrow but I thought this is nice to wrap myself in when I am in the office. The temperature can equate to being in the North Pole (Pun intended).

Since it is a men's sweat shirt (I prefer to believe it's unisex), I had bought the smallest size of course. Not too big but comfy enough. This may sound strange but wearing it kinda make me feel sexy. Like you know wearing your boyfriend's sweat shirt. I recalled when I used to loan my ex's sweat shirt when he was outstation or travelling, his sweat shirt was my constant companion everywhere I go, while I was taking notes in class and also at night when I went to sleep. His scent lingers, the familiarity of his favourite perfume was what I sought in replace of his physicality. Sigh.. Sorry I am digressing.

Worse come to worse I might just be wearing that. The glam factor would be only the gold studs font. Otherwise, I think I should stop here and do some mini research on this and see how i can get away with it tomorrow night. No matter what, a mini shopping of sorts should be due tomorrow. Egad!!!

I am actually looking forward to this weekend not tomorrow. My precious sleeping time awaiting and I cant wait to meet a few people to spend with :)

+++++++++

Do you know how delighted I was when this song won the Oscar! So Close was the other favourite but I like the melody to this one. The strings of the acoustic guitar is simply beautiful.


'Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along'