I've been in turmoil for the last few days (and i am still..)
Ok so ive decided that if love is true in every sense of the word,
It will come back..it will i noe

Im grateful to know i have frens who truly cares (and not frens who condemns you to stay away from someone you love..NO. real frens dun tell you to do dat they would ask you to follow your heart..)

Yes,honestly even right now i am still feelin overwhelm by the emotional support i receive from these wonderful frens..They hav been gentle enough to my feelins, firm enuf to tell me to wake up, but yet honest enuf to tell me dat its still not wrong to still love 'him' and also to remind me to live my life again..

I wont say i hav move on, nope i hav not
There's no remedy to cure the pain im feelin ..'yet'
Therefore, i need to be emotionally strong again..i dun noe if will move on eventually bcos only time will tell and sumtimes you wont move on bcos of the things left unsaid (rite ryehan?u agree wit me on dis i noe ;))

Anyways,had a great nite..it was splendidly spent!
It felt great to laugh again :)

Met Kin and Ryehan first, so we decided to chill at Cavana, haha it was a blast la!
How can we not! d bloody flat screen plasma tv there was playin BACKSTREET BOYS music videos frm their first album to their latest last album..
Hehee gosh the three of us were giggling like we were 16! To reminisce the days when we goin 'ga-ga' over BSB and YES we sang along to their songs like; 'I never break ur heart','As long as u love me','Quit playing games with my heart','Get down' juz to name a few..haha so over-rated n yeah ppl at d nxt table gav a few glance at us but heck who cares!!
Well then Baidah came along,so more reminisce and singing along..gushin who's who fav BSB member..haha come on we all hav to admit they r a 'phenomenon' rite!we thought how 'kentalan' we were back then it brought smiles to our face,i guess life was not as complicated as it is now..

As we BINGE(!) on cakes and nachos! Haizz sinfully delicious ok!




All of us start to open up our wounds, on being love hurt..
In a way, thrs alot of similarities between us, it makes me feel easier to share what im goin thru knowin that im not as 'pathetic-desperate-foolish-lovesick' as i assume i was.. Thanx ladies for d female bonding session, it was simply wonderful and yes maybe we shud form a movement against MEN breaking hearts..??



n i notice i look silly here gritting my teeth,not prepared but watever!

Yazif and Azfidah join us after dat,it was madness! haha we cant stop laughin! oh yeah frm cavana we went over to Civic centre MacD's to chill..Ryehan and Yazif were constantly arguing which provide us to laugh even more!!haha yeah Ryehan was havin a gd time poking fun at Zif's dad who happen to be her mly teacher back in sec sch..

It was amazing how we click and laugh away when the fact that sum of them hav met for the first time..like i said it was madness to the max! Yazif thax for driving us home yah!

Gosh after tonite meet up i felt exhilarated and hype up..watever im feelin now i juz want to keep d momentum dis way,i dun want to go home, scares me knowing that i will dwell abt 'him' again..oh well he dun care anyway probably has a new 'bitch' to worry abt..sheeshh haizz if only i stop loving him..

By the way heres a quote abt love which i decided i will put at d end of evry entry juz so to remind myself that love is not all hateful:

Love is strong yet delicate
It can be broken
To truly love is to understand this.
To be in love is to respect this.

-Stephen Packer-

Gd Morning..

My heart feels heavy, yet so empty..
Longing for something that is still out of reach..

I don't know if the anticipation tonite is a merry one..?
Or shud i dread to know the answer..?

Cant tell frm the way he spoke just now..
Still very vague..
But hearing his soothing voice i shall take it like a dose of medication
To let me live thru another day..
The hollow im feeling inside is so endless..
I'm trying to reach for that soul of mine, innocent, spirited, determined, and carefree..
It used to be there..i dun noe where i left it..

All the lovely people around me, has been adorable and understanding..
They tug my heart to know that love has not really died..
But it is still inconsolable..it is not sufficient for me..
What do i really want..?

When all laughters had died and i am here in my room
I fall into the dark spiral again,i shud not but i did..

This morning i woke up,tryin so hard to shut my eyes
i dun feel like waking up with a heavy heart and a longing feeling..
As my eyes close i was imagining myself at the doorstep and someone just shot me
all over and piercing thru my heart a bullet was all i want as i surrender myself..
Its better that way,so that i will be immune to all feelings..

Dun worry its nothing sucidal..i just want to make myself feel numb

->->My entries these days has been somber, sickening, pathetic, desperate and so much of love innuendos..I write wat i feel is honest abt how im feelin now not even how i wud describe to my closest fren..Oh well,im such a love sick person, too much emotional tanglement for my own gd..

Tonite it will be..

Gd day to all kind souls out there :)

Its still not decided..

And i wont even blog abt wat actually happen it will only refresh how painful and bittersweet it was..

I miss him terribly..

He loves me too..

Pls we can work this out this time i know..

During this duration for you to think can you think abt all the good times n not the bad?

Dun give me false hope anymore..Do us this last favour if wat we set out to do fails then i guess its time we close this chapter of our lives..

I still need you.. I dun wish to cling on..

We are in this together..so if we both decide to end..lets do it 'together' not just individual selfish reasons..

I hope your answer dun disappoint me..

In the mean time..i'll try to live..

**Thanks to all my frens for being supportive..you guys touched my heaart..evryone of you..:)

It's over I guess..
I thought we were so in love last week..

That was when i was wrong, I always 'thought'..
I do not understand why love have to come with pain..? Y cant it be juz plain Love u know..?
It hurts before and it hurts even harder now..

I wasted my tears a lot today.. Broke down after i hang up with him.. Told me he's
going to stick with his decision even if we meet tomorrow.. Gosh it still hurts..

Haizz..i'm not saying i want you back..fuck i still love you, i wish in an instant i could hate and erase you from my memory, but i cant. It hurts to know that you've not given ur evrythg to me all this while when i had.

I really wish you could stay and things are still the same all over again, just like last week when we will hold our hands so tight that no one could pull us away, i want to feel secure in ur arms again, i want you to promise sweet nothings in my ears, i want you to comfort me and tell me evrythg is going to be ok, i want you to tell me that i'm the most beautiful lady to walk into ur life, i want you to say that im ur only one..but most of all i want you to say you love me and you are not goin to let me go ever..

Understand my feelings, when i say im willing to let you go i want us to compromise. Dun go breaking my heart.
Ive given you my heart knowing that you are sumone who could protect it from being broken.
Never did i expect the care taker would be the one breaking my heart.
And so if you were to return it to me, return it to me gently because rite now its so fragile and i cant risk that i still need it to live on..
Tears that ive wasted for you were pure
And each drop were full of love..
Loving you was never a mistake
I just hope i can stop this love from growing..
Letting it grow is a mistake..

Yan if you were to leave me the only valid reason i can accept from you is only that you hav stop loving me and nothing else..
Everythg else is invalid..dun tell me u got no choice or no way out..You have not even thought of any..Therefore if you are reading this entry i pray that you will see thru my heart and understand im not trying to pressure you i never have..
All im asking is for you to love me more and be a better lover.. Im not asking fro anythg else..

**p/s: d least i hope frm you is to remember this song that is playing - Mungkin (Anuar Zain)..since you've forgotten evrythg else you promise to me..By the way Happy Anniversary to you,a great gift that i would never ask for..thanks alot

Mhmm bye bye

How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had

But how do I let go
When I've loved him for so long
And I've given him all that I could
Maybe Love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I know now I was naive
Never knew where this would lead
And I'm not trying to take away
From the good man that he is

But how do I let go when I've
Loved him for so long
And I've given him all that I could
Was it something wrong that we did
Because others were inflitrated
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know
When you've never been here before
It's so hard to just let go
When this
Is the one and only love I've ever known

So how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say
goodbye


**Song Title: Goodbye (Alicia Keys)


*p/s: I love you still..will you love me still without any reservations..?will you..?
Only you will know the answer..

What can u see in that baby's eyes..? Confusion maybe.. he's too young to understand what is happening around him. Little did he know that he is an orphan.

I'm still recovering from watching a documentary programme 'Majalah 3' at Malaysia's channel TV3. In today's episode it was about the orphans of the Tsunami disaster in Aceh. One word to describe the orphans 'sympathy'.

Here I am in my room typing away usin my precious mac, looking around my room with 2 fans directed at me and a bed which i often complain the back pains that it cause me, i felt so shameful knowing that the orphans are in the refugees camp sharing pillows and mattress without so much of a blanket to comfort them from the night chill.

I felt so remorse as the screen keep flashing young children after another about their plight and how they are moving on with their life.. It's so heart-breaking.. Im sure this event will be imprinted in their minds for the rest of their lives..But the volunteers there has done so much to the kids to keep them busy and entertain to keep their minds off their losses..You'll see the kids smiling,rushing to talk to the camera,singing religious islamic songs..they look happy despite their current state to be wit their new-found frens wit the same fate..



Tsunami disaster happen 29 days ago,now dat i mention d figure it felt like yesterday this historical event hit d world.. The first 2 wks i was devastated abt the tsunami but then gradually i carry on wit my life here getting busy..at the same time having the time of my life laughing away with my frens,my family and my lov..Tsunami was den fading away (tho my mama constantly remind me abt it) not dat i want to be ignorant abt what happen but its so depressing to imagine hw ppl are living thr and me still living in comfort all d most i can do was donate to charity which honestly dun really giv me d satisfaction that ive done my part for them..i want to be there to feel d pain and share with them,call me crazy but i really want to share those children burden..i really do..So when i watch d docu just now i realise thrs still a pang of sadness and sympathy i hav for dem is not all gone and now after i saw hw they r coping with d aftermath its even harder..Tears flowing from my eyes are not meant for show,i was trying hard to hold back my tears because what right do i have to let my tears flow when i dun really know how much pain they must be suffering at such a tender age..?i guess mine was tears of repentance,as to whether i will fully repent and that what happen shud be a life lesson for me,that is between me and Allah..i must be stronger in my faith and be thankful for everyday..



My heart goes out to all the orphans frm the tsunami disaster,i'll pray for ur well-being..insyallah..

**If only adoption ban was lifted my family have decided that we will adopt the orphans there to give him/her a new life..im hoping that we can..

Gd night and dun forget to say ur prayers :)

We females are always known for buying stuff on impulse when shopping. And the mention of the word 'Shopping' only will set us ladies adrenalin rushing haha yeah sumhow we women species are always connect with dat word. We got cash we spend even buying unnecessary stuffs. So what do we do when we got no cash..? We still do shopping but in another term 'window' shopping,we dun hav to spend a penny we juz ogle at stuff and complain we wish we got money to spend. Waste of time but we still enjoy it, today i had a session of that with the company of kin and elfy! With all my body and feet aching at the end of it.

From Forever 21 to Topshop to Mango to Guess to Zara to Zara again (diff outlet)to fareast(to alot of shops),interval break at Lido Macdonalds in front of Mango we watch ppl walk pass by but trying to spot mostly cute guys haha then last to Paragon,yeah we went thru dat juz now..so much heartbreak so much tears..y??bcos we did not buy anythg!!and we saw so many thing we wud love to get our hands on!!!FEEL ME???

Pics of us ladies frm d trip earlier on



Two old frens united!


left to right: small, medium, large according to head sizes but dun let dat fool u its other way round in real person hahaa


Elfy its ur fault ur face is only half! too inseparable wit hp,lesson learnt dun multi task while taking photo meaning dun talk in d hp while taking photo hehee


Ahh..much better ;)



Yup posing in front of the boutique after spending....penniless hahaa what the hell

Hey beautiiifull ladies,realy had fun bonding with u people la,very chill and laid back..shall do it soon again?but dis time with cash la haaha..gd nite and selamat hari raya haji to all muslims!!muaksss!

Today is 'MY' clumsy day.. Its official, 18/01/2005.

Yes, congratulations Illyyanis Hanafi for being a blur queen. No hard work was really needed just a slip of your mind it's all you need to reign the crown of blur queen. Well done.

What did she do?? What did she do???oOhh tell us tell us

Certainly with pleasure. It all began this early morning when she left for class (as usual she's late).When she left the house it was empty, dad working, sister at school and mama left for her weekly jb trip. Therefore she was the last to leave the house and responsible for what happen. She went for class like normal taking her time, it was then when she reach Aljunied, it strike her that she did not take the house key which was hanging nicely at her door gate. (Curse her, laugh at her, scream at her!!)

So she start to panic, all sorts of scenario ran thru her mind at that point of time

scene 1: Bangla was doing his job washing the corridor as he turn to wash the doorstep of her house, he spotted the key.. he gave gav a cheeky smile as the keys look so inviting, y not he cud find a brand new 'kain pelekat' among other things

scene 2: Karang guni China man doing his rounds n honking his horn, saw the keys and gleefully took the opportunity to collect stuff inside the house, pushing aside the old discarded items he has with him, he will gladly prefer the Machintosh in the room that is sufficient enuf to even bother stealing anything else,since he can sell off dat mac and get a handsome sum in return

scene 3: Local drug man pushing his luck for today and see if he can robb anything, came to 12th storey and he thinks he must hav done sumthg right last few days bcos it cud not hav been easier as the keys is tempting him, n when he did, mama 'prreeccious' (ala gollum LOTR)gold jewellery will be in pawnshop by mid-day.

*Back to reality, she got no choice she call her mama all prepared for her reaction,
"Helo ma, can i hav our neighbour's no?"in a panic tone
Mama said,"what for?"
"Err,Lis tertingal kunci kat pintu gate la"translation she left the keys at the door gate, n hurriedly she said"ala lis tak sengaje kelam kabut tadi" claiming she did not do it on purpose
As she predicted mama went berserk, (and i mean really berserk!!)she even cried cursing Miss Blur Queen at the same time, as if the situation is not bad enuf, her dearly neighbour home was empty too. Well actually the neighbour's mother is with her mama in jb but her children suddenly that day decided to abandon their house too. So what did she do?? She call her friend shidah first if she cud drop by her house before going to sch,it was refused shida was running late too..A million names went by then she got no choice but to call Yazif,disturbing his sleep she beg him, she cried to him,pleading with him that he's the only hope. N yazif being a good friend that he is sacrifice his time to cycle to her house (Lis confess she felt really bad abt it zif,swear!)So at the same time mama too make her way home without much of her shopping done but by the time yazif reach her house mama was back home..

So yeah basically that's what happen, she ruin mama shopping trip, interverned zif's peaceful sleep and make herself lost her concentration at the same time since she's trying to prepare her stimulated interview presentation in class.

*To Yazif, i swear i will treat u one of these days,promise!!if i forgot do remind me

Eh den what happen to mama?? Well she's still complaining how blur Lis was n basically doin her job of telling all her frens. Yup she embarrass her as if wat happen did not make her feel more worst,well her mama was more worried abt her 'prrreeeiouss' gold jewellery. Sigh..tsk..tsk..

Yup people its official like i said its 'MY' clumsy day. 18/01/2005.

Anyways beside that she still survive her day not at all bad. Did interview and glad its done. Apparently my chocolate chips that i bake the previous night (for fun) is a big hit wit my classmates..hehee.. and yup Durai suggested that i shud call my cookies 'FAMOUS ANUS' since it does has a slight taste as the famous cookies 'FAMOUS AMOS'.

And also my gendeng givs a thumbs up for my cookies too,cant get his hands off my cookies. Since he was driving me home, shall not risk anymore accidents (in fact he felt asleep while on the way to fetch me in town that he exit kallang at expressway, man im always worried when he's tired and he hav to drive he can easily fall asleep it happen several times, dear shall not risk u too pls pls drive safely nxt time) fed him the cookies la,haha had a pleasant ride home in the evening,it was a nice flow of conversation between us esp yesterday's nite conversation it reminds me the reason why i love this man dearly..
Thanks dear,i promise to get my license this year and buy my car then its my turn to drive you home lak can can??hehe of cos la can! muakkss!

Okies for those who is still laughing ya head off, esp baida i know she's goin to {call me after she read this}(AKU TAK SENGAJE LA!!)yah laugh as hard as u want until u hav tears in ur eyes and ur stomach will constrain so badly!!hmmmph!!! BYE!

Last night the 3 'angels' reunite at Elfy's house for her kenduri.. No doubt the first half of the night it was awkward with Baida and me trying to find a spot in the crowded house, hehe and we end up in the kitchen in front of the toilet by the window, yes it was very appropiate(duh?!). Elfy was busy entertaining her guest so we understood after some guest had left and there is room to walk we headed outside for the buffet spread! It was food galore!! haha so many dishes and i don't want to look greedy, there are so many aunties there wat if they say "amboi anak dara ni bole tahan banyak makan" hahaaa,but yeah it was so hard to resist! Elfy always has good food served and yes we also have high expectations of her food since she's always a good cook (anak tauke katakan!). Needless for me to say the food was really really good! Haha yes 'bungkus bawak balik' lagi!

The 3 of us finally had time to ourselves under elfy's blk while waiting for my gendeng to fetch baida and me (thanks for driving us sweetie! but yeah u got no choice i have wat u wanted from me!hehee)..It was really like the old days all of us huddled together and talk crap, miss those days..




**In scarf is baida,in black is me(obviously) and in horizontal stripes is elfy


Elfy's decision to work as a make-up artiste(her forte) in KL really came as a surprise when she told me last month. Ltr in Feb she's goin for her second interview and if all goes well she might work and stay in KL.

Haizz..Damnnn im goin to miss u gal!! If u really go (n i hav a feeling dat she might) then it will only left baida and me,from 3 to 2 of us.. It'll be weird not having u around to my convenience anymore,
who will i go to when i need a free eyebrow trim??
who will i go to when i need a fashion advice??
who will i go to when i really need some serious shopping therapy??
who will i go to when im craving for masala thosai with chilli powder (w/o u ard)??
who will i go to when i need sum boost up confidence??
who will i go to when i seriuosly need sum bitching to be done??
who will i go to when i need to yak about my almost impossible ambitious dreams that only u and i possibly believe we can let that happen and giggle after saying how silly were we??
and the list goes on..(n this is only for elfy's part,baida too hav her long list)
Gosh our friendship is goin to turn a decade next yr, remember how we made a pact to surprise evrybody and invite them to a chalet to celebrate our anniversary of a decade?
How abt when ppl hav doubts that we might be lesbian??because apparently we were too close with each other?n the fact that the more these ppl say the more we scare them by saying that we hav slept,eat and bath together!!haha dat was funny our bath together in KL!!

Baida and Elfy are like my blood sisters, i can nvr live without them. I can even act like a petty girlfriend if they fail to call me after promising that they would. With them i can let my guard down, showing my vulnerablity which other people rarely knows that i have that side of me. They are 'my'true friends because they will not hesitate to tell me if i've acted foolishly, been an asshole, or juz my head getting too big for my own gd and i really appreciate that.

The 3 of us has seen each other grown frm a little sparrow into a beautiful swan and not physically but both emotional and mentally as well..We've gone thru so much, we've cried together, we laugh, we sing, we smile, we dance and also we even fought with each other and it taught us to understand each others feelings better..

I still remember when we were still in secondary school we all used to grumble how come we are unattach? we r not bad lookers, we dress well, we hav a fun personality but we nvr seem to attract guys? or is it because we are choosy because the fact we do hav a fair share of admirers? Haha and yeah we figure out we were choosy, trying a hard time to find our oh-so-perfect-guy, and how we used to daydream abt nonsensical things of how our 'imaginary' boyfriends shud do romantic stuffs to us (no wonder we took a while to get attached!we were busy daydreaming!!)but during 2003 its has been an ironic year when the three of us got attached and we are still with the same partners :)..

Mmmm..so many memories i could go on and on,but yeah after yesterday's meeting sumhow it hit me that things will hav to change for our future, we will still be the best of friends but each hav choosen a different path in career, its what we always wanted what we always plan to do together but what is different now we never expect that what we hav chosen we have to lead our own way to success and not depend on each other anymore, we are starting to make our own decisions as a young adult..

Elfy i just hope if u get that job,no matter how busy u are pls dun forget baida and me..We were getting emotional yesterday when baidah joked who's goin to replace elfy now and elfy in return bite back by saying "oh so fast alredy want to find my replacement is it??"..haha u know we r kidding and nobody can replace u elfy,because u r ur own person,and we don't wish to change that.. Elfy know that we support ur decision and grab this opportunity (okok i admit i do feel a tiny just tiny itsy bitsy of envy!hey shes goin to work among celebs and models ok who wouldn't??!)and yes im truly happy for you..

its rather a long entry dedicated to elfy but dun complain i nvr force anyone to read..hehee..k Judith Mcnaught is begging me to finish her book (damnn bcos of her im neglecting other things,cant resist her book)

**p/s: congrats to ur elder brother gendeng who's getting engage today, haha hav fun being chauffeur cum server cum cameraman cum host today!(oh yah and i better not see any scratch or faults with my video cam ok!!)

Today evrythg was wonderful..The meeting went well not much of hicupps i really hope we get that project..If we do then the name will look good in my portfolio and resume hehee..And yeah i need cash desperately walkin at orchard rd was torturous evrywhere i turn i saw the word 'SALE' screaming at me,im traumatised ok people!!

Hahaa anyway im trying to resist shopping for now until March i will splurge in KL!! hooray!!!

Ok moving on,after the meeting had my stopover in orchard to kill time before i meet my gendeng, so in order not to be blinded by the word 'SALE', i seek refuge in orc lib,hehee felt safe n yeah i love the smell of books.. Then went over to PS to watch movie with him,and yeah he made a gd choice by choosing 'Alfie',i felt it was good! to compensate the not-satisfying-movie 'Seed of chucky' that we watch last week.

Alfie is a remake of 1966 classic movie which stars Micheal Caine, about a womanizer who goes around sleeping with women, having high sexual life, and not realising he's hurting people ard him, and he is so afraid of commitment (men!!). The movie is so refreshing, absolutely hip and old school! I like the way Jude Law kept talkin to the camera, espcially a scene towards the end when he's getting emotional i felt he was talkin to me and gettin personal (haha dream on Lis!!). Anyway i like how its being edited, looks sophisticated. And Jude Law looks good in evrythg he wore, even my gendeng is influenced alredy!(yes yes dear buy that jacket!!). Totally recommend u guys to watch this movie espcially ladies not only will you swoon at Jude's hot bod but yeah the movie its abt a guy point of view, so yeah if you are attach and u had doubts abt ur guy some of Alfie sentiments abt women do make sense!

Below are some scenes from the movie Alfie, drool over Jude Law! He's a big-time charmer! **Kin im coming wit u to LA, we can have double date together juz u and brad pitt and me and jude law!!hahaa





MuaaKkS, my dear gendeng! Tonite was wonderful, as usual thanks for paying for d movie and dinner!! im spoilt!! arrghhh need money!!

Yes that is my pesky sister, a brat, mischevious, irritating, and undoubtly someone who cant keep secrets frm my mama. Im not trying to make my sister look bad but despite all this, i LOVE her to bits! The reason shes the topic is because shes away at camp for 3 days!! ok shes nvr away frm home and this is her first time and sumhw the house felt empty la without her!!! I MISS my adik!!

This is like so weird i mean when shes present in the house i will get easily irritated by her, and in my house if in a day i and n my sister did not hav a small tiff sumthg is amiss ok! I mean my hobby is to annoy her la since she was a tiny tot,when im successful she wud scream and run to my mama..hahahha im a sadist!! Then my mama wud complain,she cant hav both of us at d same time in d house no peaceful calm moment..!

Anyway i cant believe my sister is at camp and the fact that shes without any parental guaardian,you see my sister she cant be separated with my mama. My sister hates sleeping alone in her room and wud alwiz beg my mama to accompany her till shes asleep, shes pampered! Now shes in camp i wonder how shes goin to sleep peacefully ( i told her that the place shes goin is haunted..hehe..done my evil part)..

I hope she enjoys herself there i noe its goin to be fun.. But its sad because she didn't wake me up when she left this morning and i didnt get to talk to her before she got to bed last nite bcos i came back late.. Yeah it was quite touchy when the previous day before she left for camp and before i leave my house she said 'Kak cum back early la,wait adik nvr see u wen u cum back late den tmr im goin camping alredy, you wont miss me..?',right den my sister could not be more adorable then she alredy is, n den she go on to ask which evry single day she nvr fail to pop that qns, 'Kak do u love me? and i said 'yes', she continue 'really?how much do u love me?'haha yes dats her n d only ans she can accept is 'my love for u cant be counted its infinity and i love u for as long as kakak live'..haiz now my eyes are gettin teary..

Oh well,3 days will be over soon and i'll get used to the emptiness, or her walkin into my room and takin my stuff w/o permission,irritate me(but then i sumtimes wish for this peace) or her cuming to me askin for a hug and demand a kiss for no apparent reason,or the stories she would be gushing to me when she returns frm sch..n yes i miss her scent also la,u noe hw u r close to sumhw n u hav dat scent of them and u know their presence is thr..

My sister meant so much to me no matter how pesky,annoying, mischevious she is,
she and me will always have a special bond.

Adik come home quick! Kakak lonely no one to irritate!

Today went to Causewaypoint with Kin and met Diyar and Surizah there.. Manja (local malay magazine)had an event thr today, they have a pageant contest for ideal couple for 2004.So yeah, the couple i was rooting for won and anyway the reason i was thr was to watch Taufik (got rumours that he was goin to perform) but hw silly were we to know that he was not thr,except for his huge magazine cover that was plastered on the stage backdrop.. The whole mall was crowded as expected we cud not even walk straight without bumping into ppl..

At the event i took a glimpse at these wedding deco n bridal costumes n stuff! hahah pardon me but im feeling like 'anak dara da gatal nak kahwin',hehhee not that im goin to get married anytime soon or sumthg but im alwiz in awe with wedding materials frm the gowns, to deco,flowers right down to the invitation cards.. In fact i sumtime envision myself with a wedding planner company,i've got eyes for nice details..

So yeah, hehe sounds cheesy n lame but i always daydream how my wedding would look like,i tink all women hav that side of them. As for me i want it exclusive, elegant but yet simple..hmmm a garden wedding would be nice with huge white gazebo tents, fresh flowers evrywhr,pastel color deco (purple wud be nice) and maybe butterflies for dat surreal effect..hah but that is only a dream, to make it happen i shud start saving now..hahah..gosh im feelin girly la..blueekkk!!!

But my favourite part of planning the wedding is choosing the cake and the flowers!! hahaha and me hav done my survey so early (*during my free time i like to surf wedding n bridal websites juz to gawk at pretty intricate things)so yeah these r sum of my choice:

**pSST,hehe sorii sweetie im not scaring u or give u a hint that u shud propose to me anytime soon!!probably in 4yrs time la d least!!(eeEE shameless!!!)but yeah you know me well enuf that i like to berangan (daydream)..hahaha!! Love u loads!!(dun freak out!!but do take note!!)hahaha




Wedding Cake 1: This cake is taken frm Martha Stewart webbie, definitely the color purple is wat attracted me and the fact that it look so feminine, and the petals r so lovely!simple but yet elegant!



Choice no 2: This one look too gd to eat!! it looks so exclusive!i like it!!no no! i LOVE it!!



Bouquet no 1: Just so pretty!!sigh...



Bouquet no 2: This screams 'romantic'!!! Just look at those roses!!

Gosh,i know sum ppl r goin to laugh n curse for thinkin i hav nuthin better to do den browsing thru d net lookin at dis stuff!! but what the hell its fun u noe! i can be engross lookin thru them for hours and hours..hahahaa juz another side of me dat is a sucker for romance..heh ;)

ok la,toodles!!

Today my gendeng and me went to watch this





It was fuckin hilarious (**pardon d swearin, sumhw Chucky cursin dialogues got stuck in my brain)dats all the jokes were funny, but overall it was a B-grade movie. It was quite a disappointment actually, oh wait! Disappointment is not exactly the word because it was not suppose to be fantastic it can never be as good as the first one, subsequently all d sequels has been a flop. Like my fren Ezad said movies that has sequels is merely to rake in profit nuthin more, wherever he got that theory but i actually believe its quite true not all movie sequels is a box office hit. Anyway back to Chucky, i dun really know why in the first place he n me decided to watch this movie, its not sumthg we look really forward to watch but the opening scene is so like a dejavu of sum sort!! Hahaha the opening scene was similar to my documentary project!! What is similar you may ask? Well it started off with 3D animation of sperms swimming towards the womb,and its the exact one for my docu its juz dat our 3D animation was a different color and oh yeah our sperms can talk heh..!! Somehow when i watch that i felt Hollywood and my grp of classmates who work together in the project has likeness of mind,haha yeh im shameless!! Its was only that scene that captivate me most other then that dun expect me to share wit u guys any spoilers(in fact im not bothered to giv any synopsis)oh well ok mayb i can say that there will probaby another Chucky movie after u watch the ending.. Basically watch this movie if you got nuthin else to watch and got extra cash to waste..(heck!!my gendeng slept halfway thru the movie!he nvr does dat so dat explains!!)

So after the movie we went back to wdlds and had dinner at Cavana.. And yeah i do not want to ask but he knows eventually im goin to ask his reasons for wat he did (though i knew exactly y..)Its quite heartbreakin to know his reasons, i know he loves me but why are you so inferior of tellin wats on ur mind..?And i hate it when you avoid eye contact with me when im tryin to explain.. Gosh, i wish i can tell u more how hurtful i felt but i do not want too..I never stopped you frm doin whatever you wish to do in fact ive been very supportive but i felt so left out of so many things that is happenin in ur life..I felt so envious of those ppl who get to spend their time with urs more den i do, i wish you rather spend it with me more then them..How often can i meet you with all the restrictions that we hav..?Sumtimes you make me wonder if you prioritise more wit them and im now under ur list..Haizz i wish being in love is not so complicated..Anyways it was actually quite a pleasant night at sum point when he hold my hand tightly i felt secured and assured..As usual ended the night with 'i love you's.. (at dat point things cud not hav been so normal and how it shud always be kept)

**P/S: Thanks for lendin me ur shoulder juz now darling,i felt u care :)

I'm confused
Why are you keeping secrets from me..?
It hurts even more when you dun even bother to call and explain to me..
But you know what eventhough it hurts i cant be bothered too
Cant be bothered to ask you,
Why did you lie..?
What makes you think i wont know..?
What is holding you back again..?
Why are you so afraid to tell me..?

I'm so tired of all those times when we were too hard-headed to listen to each other..
Heated arguments are not sumthg I look forward to anymore..

Yes changed my layout :)
Its dark and bold. It has style and a sense of feminity..i like ;)

The last few days was spent wonderfully with d company of lovely beings that im so blessed to be surrounded with..simply great!

On Tuesday i went for the First Take event at Substation with d lovelies of qihuaians'..For the showcase of 3 shows produced by local filmaker for the first time.

There were 2 short film and 1 documentary. The audience turn out was really unexpected, it was full house! I was so impress to know that ppl here are interested in local filmaking industry..! Its always nice to know that ppl come and watch ur stuff and appreciate wat u do.

Anyways the first short film was titled 5cm. It is base on a poem, nicely written (im not sure if it was self-written by the director or is hand picked in a book). Unfortunately, he did not utilize the poem as how it shud be potrayed. The visuals were quite plain..but then again for a first timer its not a bad try.

The second one is called Project Panties. It was funny no doubt it made me laugh at their disgusting jokes, though as disgusting as it may be there r ppl who r sick perverted in reality. Besides that i do not think it is a fantastic piece of work (plus the producer is not humble abit snobbish i think). Bad quality and camera works are mostly steady shots.

Finally its my frens docu Sisters about Transvestite and Transexual, now im not being bias but im proud of their work!! They capture the Sisters lives on camera and they open up about their feelings on how society outcast them. You can tell its nvr easy, being someone dat is not pleasantly view by the society but they r brave enough to live their life the way they want it to be,its not their choice all they want is to be as normal as evryone is but that is not to be..To ppl who has been visitin Changi village and mock them, realise that its shallow of u ppl to regard dem as trash to society in fact sum might be more educated then u r but bcos of how they chose to live their lives they dun hav d luxury of being successful as others..

Anyways hehee dis docu was professionally done u can tell d diff if u compare it with d other two!!
(*ezad dun forget ur treat ok!?)

Oh yeah a pic to show dat is inspired by Sisters heheee (gawk at him oops 'her' i mean hahaa)




*Last nite had a lovely time wit baida n leena (hey leena i hope u dun regret goin out wit us!!)yes leena is my gd fren's galfren but since hes stuck in d army camp we decided to borrow her n bring her out!!hahaa sure did hav a nice time laughin wit u ladies!!we shall binge together again soon!! remember together we can face anythg!

A New Year..A New Beggining..(i hope..)

Happy New Year 2005!!
Its been wet lately,raining non-stop..
And today its the second day of a new year 2005,hw times flies and alot of things occured in 2004 that is still unfinished..
So today i would like to summarize and wrap up my 2004..

But first up its my new year celebration! The bbq gathering eventually did happen last minute and its a very low key gathering with old frens from Qihua Pri Sch.. I guess dis bbq thingy beats any other parties or clubbin on new yrs eve ,i mean hw more fun and enjoyable can u get wen u hav frens and laughin non-stop the whole night(we dun even need music!!)!! We got high alrite!! High on food and free flow of plain water,hahaa no cover charge also! Plus Elfy my fren makes a special cameo for the nite hehe reunited to meet Kin, they were frens bk in pri sch before Kin moved to woodlands..But sadly she had to leave early la, got werk the next day..

Gosh the whole night was really stimulating especially wit all the 'sex' talk,hehee its like sumthg out of a Sesame Street episode,whrby,the word of the nite is balls hahaa we ladies r crazy!!
By 3am all of us invaded Kin's living room to watch Meet the Fockers,which halfway thru the movie i fall asleep..hehee..Anyways left ard 6am feelin shagged oops!! Shack i mean!!hehee..
Anyway sum pics to share..




oh dear! We ladies sure need lessons how to bbq the right way la! but anyways
the black balls still taste gd..hehee


Yazif u shud hav shown sum teeth la,wat a spoiler! We cud hav pass off as a Colgate ad..rite ladies???



Yes i hav to mosaic that image..hehe so unsensored yazif! Tryin his best to turn us on (wit Asparagus!yikes!)


And the 'aftermath',dats Islyana on the sofa..Anyway we all are scattered around the room..



Thax guys for the company that nite!!It cud not hav been better!

So this is how i end my 2004, wit frens lost and found again..
I mean last year had been a stormy year for me so many turbulence,sumthg like tsunami..heh..2004 the year where i wasted a lot of tears,the year which taught me a lot about feelings and appreciating it..

All i want to say is,whatever happened in 2004 is lesson learnt its been rough for me and im still mending watever wounds i have. Thanks to those who were there for me (Baida, Elfy, Rajan) for being my shoulder to cry on, I wasn't myself most of the time last year and u guys pull me thru and made me believed that things will be alrite..I put up a front as if im the happiest person to walk around this earth, laughing like nobody's business, but pretending can be tiring.. I collasped when i cant hold back anymore and u guys were people i trust to understand the feelings i myself cant comprehend. All my life i've been tough, i hate to look vulnerable but watever feelings i hav pent up inside is eating me up.. if i did not let it all out (esp u baida) i will not still be the person i am today..My heart has suffered so much and this year has been an impact to evrythg thats building up inside..

For this year..I want things to be better i do not want to waste my tears and dwell my problems on my own and if i were to let my tears roll freely dwn my cheeks it will be a joyous cry..All i want for next year is to be able to get 2 of the most wonderful person i love to understand that things will work out..

For her: U cud not hav been anymore special to me then u alredy are, uve given me life and i don't ask for more..i juz hope you will understand that i didn't mean to hurt u,i rebel because i want u to understand my feelins juz like hw im tryin so hard to understand urs..Im not perfect, and i want u to allow me to make my own decision and if that decision is a mistake like u alwiz assume it will, let me learn my own mistake juz like how u did..let me understand how fragile life is.. I understand so much that im growing up so fast for u but its not dat i want too,i canot go against natures will,i will always be that person and can nvr be someone u tot u lost.. ive always loved when we will spend our time together, giggling and telling u stuff i wont even tell my frens but as we grew apart i missed dat..ive nvr hold any secrets but now im forced too until u learn to accept that this is my life let me stand on my feet.

For him: U came into my life at the darkest moment and u change evrythg..U let in sunshine that i thought hav died..I was afraid but u told me to trust u and i took ur hand and i really learnt how to love.. I was afraid that if i let into my heart i will lose u juz like how i lose the others.. BUt thru all the storms that we've been thru u r still here with me, i knew at a point of time u wanted to gave up, i was devastated i knew i do not want to hold u back but i guess sumthg is holding u back too and that is why u r still here, love. We laughed, we cried, we teased, we talked,i felt so loved by u,i do not care what ppl thought of u,to me u r special n no other guys can compete that (not even brad pitt). What ive learnt frm u is to love someone from the inside not on the outside, nuthin matters upfront if deep inside u r not as good as u potray on the outside.. Thanks for still being here, thanks for tolerating me in my utmost terrible behavior that uve seen,sumtimes i think i dun deserve u.. but oh well,love is sumthg u cant fight with..All i can say is, pls dun giv up on us let us work this together,i know we can..

Oh goodness!wat a long entry..i guess i shud stop here. And one last thing my new yr resolution is to be punctual!!yea punctual!Its a bad habit la..
K la hav a great year ahead to anyone whos reeading..hehee